In your eyes,
A heart to heart.
What’s on your mind?
From a distant past.
I see it.
I feel it.
But that’s not real any more.
What a difficult, yet wonderful, year that this has been for me: This year has broke me mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
Yet here I stand, stronger than ever, cause I survived. I’m proud of myself. It might not seem like I did much, but these mini goals mean a lot to me.
I’ve successfully completed phase 2 of therapy and I actually feel that I’m a better person because of it.
I feel that I’m more able to recognize my Ups&Downs, and I’m able to deal with my emotions better than before.
Now on with the future: phase 3 of therapy, here I come!
I haven’t been very active with writing this year, sorry for that, I miss it too.
When I did though, mostly I appeared in books:
Yes, all of this in Dutch. After 5 years of being in this country, I finally started professionally writing in Dutch! =)
Then BLM came…and yes, I came out of my shell once more:
Yeah…sounds weird, but it’s true!
I didn’t win the contest, but hey, I was seen and appreciated for my work. Sounds like a win for me!
For the world bipolar day I wrote my first Dutch pieces (february 2019):
HOE GAAT HET? +-…EN JIJ?
Ik voel het meteen als het op komt…
Een seconde was het zomer, nu herfst.
Stemmingswisselingen komen, zo abrupt, en nu…?
Ik heb geen tijd om dit te voelen, ik moet doorgaan…maar waartoe?
Zoals seizoenen ben ik nu ook verandert.
Ik hou ervan en haat het: het is mooi om te voelen, maar zo zwaar voor mij.
Hoe gaat het, vragen ze me…moeilijke antwoord moet ik zeggen.
Plus Minus…maar begrijpen ze me?
Ik voel me wind, ik voel me aarde…soms word ik vuur, en als het goed gaat, word ik water.
Ik ben een mens zoals jij, dat alles voelt en is.
Zo…hoe voel je vandaag?
Boven en beneden, zo zijn wij, zoals een hartslag.
Het begint klein en dan op eens kunnen wij vliegen, ver van de realiteit, buiten deze wereld.
Maar tegen welke prijs?
Alles dat naar boven gaat, moet ook vallen.
Leven stopt om te voelen.
Ja, die hartslag zijn wij en onze liefde voor het leven en elkaar.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Merry Christmas!
P.S. It’s imperative to follow your own path. Welcome 2020 with open arms.
I felt so courageous this day!
I had an idea of what I wanted to do, of course, but since I always change my mind…I did!
I was so nervous and vulnerable, specially while singing, oh my God!
The amazing improvisation of Palmyre Collin (the dancer) was just the icing on the cake!
I hope that you can enjoy it as much as I did.
I feel alone, empty. No matter what I do to help myself, I can’t seem to make it stop.
I can be surrounded by all my loved ones, but still be missing you tremendously.
Pretending that I’m strong enough, that I don’t need your approval, or your love…
It costs me so much effort and energy to protect myself from you, and the thought of you.
I love you with every fiber of my body, and yet that isn’t enough.
You don’t see me.
You don’t hear me.
You don’t care.
I crave your attention, even though I have no right to do so.
I expect you to show me love, when you literally have no obligation to me.
I thought I was an important part of your life, when clearly, I’m not.
You didn’t choose me, you chose her…I just came along with it.
The sad truth is that I miss you, but most of it, what you represent to me:
Unconditional love that I never had from the man that should have given it to me, but never did.
My heart has lead me to painful memories.
My brain has planned failures and sabotages.
Delusions of my vision, materializing the impossible.
Heard voices that wouldn’t allow me to move, or breath.
People I’ve loved had abused me, mentally and physically.
I’ve been so paranoid that I wouldn’t come out from under my sheets.
I’ve trusted people that only wanted to use me.
I tried to kill myself.
I’ve wished I was dead.
I can’t trust myself.
Now, my love…How can I trust you?
1. I’m back on medication…that is triggering by itself, and I haven’t stopped since my last episode.
2. I’ve started therapy…let me tell you: I’m proud of all the people that struggle with all those feelings that come up from reliving your traumas and triggers during therapy!
That. Is. Tough! I’ve been having all these mixed episodes…
Some days I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know what I’m feeling! What I do know for sure, is that I don’t want to feel that way.
One of my biggest struggles is change, so…be prepared for some real triggering stuff in the near future!
3. I’ve collaborated with the multi-talented Martina Bertola. <3
First was reading my poems for the Worldbipolarday in Haarlem…in Dutch! 🙈 (plusminus)
I was so nervous, shaking and making mistakes, OH MY GOOOOD! Terrifying!
In May – June I had my second exposition, with pictures and poems that I hope went straight to the/your heart 😉 (Wijkcentrum Alleman)
Then went to a “Poeziemiddag” and decided to improvise and recite some of my poems, live, again! I must admit it went better, I’m proud of myself =)
That escalated into me doing it a third time…soon 😱:
Will you be there? I have a surprise for you! =)
This is our field, and as such, strategy is a must: